


How It Is For Love (Timebomb)

by sunsetmog



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-04-10 21:35:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4408715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetmog/pseuds/sunsetmog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Robert Sugden's back," Adam said, dropping down next to Aaron on the steps at the back of the school field.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Who?" Aaron said, scuffing at the ground with the toe of his trainer. "And what do I care, anyway?" </i>
</p><p> Or, the sort-of high school AU no one asked for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Having two people with vaguely grey senses of morality is a wonderful thing, okay, and the writers could have gone a million different ways with this, but they went this way instead. So I went a different way. 
> 
> Includes reference to Aaron's previous self-harm and suicide attempt.

"Robert Sugden's back," Adam said, dropping down next to Aaron on the steps at the back of the school field.

"Who?" Aaron said, scuffing at the ground with the toe of his trainer. "And what do I care, anyway?"

Adam rolled his eyes. "Victoria and Andy's brother? Fucked off somewhere else after GCSEs cos he slept with Andy's girlfriend at his year eleven prom?"

"Before my time, mate," Aaron said. He hated school. There was no fucking point to it. It was just lessons and being told what to do and people trying to look out for him when there was no fucking need to. He wasn't going to do it again, trying to kill himself had been stupid enough the first time, and he didn't do the cutting or the hurting anymore. Everyone should just leave him the fuck alone.

"I'm just telling you the hot gossip," Adam said. "Not my fault you don't care about anything."

"Not much point, is there?" Aaron said. He was only here because Paddy was paying him to stay on at sixth form and do his BTEC. Otherwise he'd be out doing something else, something useful, and not wasting his time fannying about at college every day. His cousin Debbie had said he could do his apprenticeship at the garage if he wanted, but Paddy had insisted, which was well stupid as Paddy wasn't even his dad, just his loser mum's loser ex-boyfriend, but if Paddy wanted to chuck his money away on Aaron then he could do, Aaron wouldn't care.

"He's transferring into year thirteen," Adam went on, like Aaron hadn't made it clear he didn't give a shit about Robert Fucking Sugden. "Dunno how he managed that, but he did. And I'll tell you something else, he's going out with this well rich girl who's older than us, Victoria was telling me all about it."

"I don't care," Aaron said. "Just cos you fancy Victoria."

"I do not. She's in year eleven. Anyway, apparently Robert's moved back in with them and he and Andy are having, like, ten fights a day."

"That's too many fights," Aaron said. "Should have just knocked him out the first time and been done with it." He stood up, dusting mud off his arse and making sure his socks were over his tracksuit bottoms. "I'm going to the shop, are you coming, or what?"

"Fine," Adam said, rolling his eyes. "But if we just skip school completely, I've got four cans of lager at home we could have."

"Fine," Aaron said, "whatever."

Spending the afternoon getting wasted was much better than staying at college, anyway.

~*~

"Aaron, come on, mate," Paddy said, a couple of weeks later. "How's school?"

"It's not school, it's college, and what do you want to know for?"

"Don't know, really," Paddy said. "I'm just interested in how you're doing."

Aaron rolled his eyes. "Are you going to get me a pint, or what?"

"You're seventeen."

"For, like, three more weeks. What's that matter?" He'd fucked up that year after GCSEs. Getting into trouble and fighting and that whole business kissing Jackson and beating him up and trying to kill himself cos being gay was fucking shit. Going back to college had been Paddy's boring way of making sure Aaron was all right. Aaron was all right. It wasn't his fault his stupid boyfriend had stupid gone and died in that stupid car accident. It wasn’t his fault he still woke up screaming about it.

"You'll get your mum's pub licence taken off her, that's what matters," Paddy told him.

"Then let's go back to yours and have one there, then," Aaron said belligerently, because Jackson was ages ago now, but that didn't mean he knew how to stop going over it in his head.

"Fine," Paddy said. "You can stop for your tea, too, if you'd like."

"Whatever." He paused. "What are you having?"

Paddy made a face. "Don't know. Pie and mash, maybe? Pie and chips. Peas and chips and pie. I think pie."

"You're dead weird, you," Aaron told him. He nudged Paddy towards the door and didn't bother telling his mum where he was going. She was working behind the bar, anyway, it wasn't like she was going to drop everything to come and make him his tea. She never had done that.

"I'm taking Aaron for his tea," Paddy called over his shoulder.

"He never tells me anything," Chas said, and Aaron rolled his eyes.

Outside in the Woolpack car park, Andy Sugden was laying into his brother, the two of them going at it hammer and tongs, punches flying everywhere. Aaron wasn't going to stop it; he leaned against the doorway to the pub instead, watching as useless Paddy waded on in to try and pull the two of them apart.

Andy and Robert weren't getting along any better. Robert had been at school a couple of weeks and he and Andy had already had two massive fights and both had suspensions threatened. Andy and his girlfriend Katie hated Robert, and Robert hated Katie and Andy, and Aaron didn't care about any of the rest of it. He didn't give a shit about the background and the build up or any of it.

He cared quite a lot when Andy walloped Paddy in the nose, though, because Paddy might be a dipshit, but he was also Aaron's dipshit, and no one fucking punched him, even if he was being ridiculous.

Aaron stormed in and punched Andy back, and then Paddy pulled Aaron away.

"Leave it," Paddy said.

"Nice hit," Robert told him. "Couldn't have done it better myself."

"Fuck off," Aaron said. "I'm not doing your dirty work for you. Leave Paddy out of your stupid fights, all right? You're both losers."

Robert Sugden, who was all expensive clothes and stupid shades of brown trousers that he couldn't have paid Aaron to wear if he was a millionaire, looked Aaron up and down, then smirked.

Aaron narrowed his eyes. For a start, he recognised that kind of glance, saw it for what it was, felt it for what it was. He'd spent enough time in Bar West in Hotten to know he was being checked out. He just didn't need the fucking smirk to go with it. "Oh yeah," he said. "Do you want some too?"

"Aaron, come on," Paddy said. He had a bloody nose and Andy was apologising, but Aaron didn't care. He felt like a lion. Paddy wasn't hard enough to protect himself in the wild. God knows how he ever managed to make it as a vet.

"Fine," Aaron said, shoving his hands into the pockets of his tracksuit bottoms. He glared at stupid fucking Robert Sugden. "Watch out, mate."

"I'm scared," Robert said. "Quaking in my boots."

"Yeah, well," Aaron said. "You should be."

~*~

If he saw Robert everywhere after that, then whatever. Aaron could smell the stink of bullshit, and Robert reeked of it, always hanging round the village with his rich, posh girlfriend. He had his own car and everything.

"You can work weekends for me," Debbie said finally. "Save up, you can afford your own piece of shit old car to get to college in."

Aaron made a big deal of looking like it was the worst idea in the world, but inside, oh god, he really fucking wanted a car.

If Robert Sugden stopped outside the shop and watched him work on the cars outside the garage, then that was no business of Aaron's at all.

~*~

Victoria was in a right mood, pissed off and upset all at once. Aaron leaned on the bar and counted down the seven days until he was eighteen and he could stop getting turned down for a drink in his own mum's pub. 

"It's just awful," Victoria was saying, "and Diane's trying to marshal both of them and I love them both, and I hate it, and right now I hate both of them too. Isn't it enough that we've lost Mum and Dad, and now they're making me choose between them? They're my brothers, and I hate it." She looked dead miserable, and Aaron shrugged. At least she had Diane. As step-mums went, Diane was brilliant, and before that she'd had her dad, and before that, her mum as well. She'd never been on her own.. Aaron had gone through the first fourteen years of his life without anyone but his fucker of a dad; he couldn't bring himself to care about stupid squabbling brothers. "I've finally got Robert back and now he's just ruining everything, and I hate it."

"Bummer," Aaron said, shrugging. 

She smacked him in the arm. "At least pretend to care," she said. 

"They're being dickheads," he said. "Let 'em fight it out."

"Robert can't get expelled," Victoria said miserably. "Neither of them can, but there's no money left to send him back to that stupid private school. Not now my Gran's gone."

Aaron nodded a bit, to show he was listening. He didn't give a shit about where Robert bloody Sugden had been shipped off to after the whole mess of sleeping with Andy's girlfriend and fighting with his whole family. He did, however, normally not mind Victoria.

"Chrissie's dad's promised to take him on after school, but only if he gets his A levels," Victoria went on, like Aaron gave a shit, "but I'm scared he's going to mess them up, and then what? He'll blame Andy, and Andy will blame Robert, and I'll lose them both."

"Do you want any crisps?" Aaron asked. 

She let out all her breath in one long _ooof_. "Salt and vinegar," she said, and then she patted his elbow, like he'd just done something really nice. 

Aaron didn't understand women. This was partly why he preferred cock. 

~*~

Robert was outside the village shop when Aaron started work, leaning up against the fruit and vegetable racks like he wasn't even pretending to pick out onions. 

Aaron rolled his eyes, zipped up his overalls, and went to work changing the oil on this old, battered Fiat Punto. He didn't look up again. 

~*~

"Car's broken down," Robert said, when Aaron picked up the phone. "Do you want to come out and see if you can fix it?"

Aaron looked down at his can of beer. "Why didn't you call Debbie?"

"Don't have Debbie's number."

"Didn't think you had mine."

"Got it off Victoria," Robert said. "You coming, or what?"

Aaron rolled his eyes, and shoved his beer away. "Where are you?"

"Near the Eccup Beck," he said. "Lay by. Past Arthington Farm, you know?"

He did know. "Fine," he said, and hung up. 

~*~

Robert's car was well posh, a white Audi TT. Five years old, though. 

Aaron parked the pick up behind Robert's car, and took a moment before hopping out of the cab. 

"You took your time," Robert said. He had the bonnet up, and was leaning against the car, arms folded. 

"Had to get the van off Debbie, didn't I? Anyway, didn't promise to run, or owt."

"Charmed."

Aaron just shrugged. "What happened?"

"It just stopped," Robert said, obligingly moving two centimetres to the left. 

Aaron rolled his eyes, looked at the engine for a good three seconds, and held his hand out for the keys. Robert handed them over. 

The car started, no problem. Aaron stuck his head out of the door. "Looks like it's working now."

"Good," Robert said. "It stopped before."

"Right." Aaron climbed out, leaving the keys in the ignition. "I left my pint for this."

"Aaron."

Aaron rolled his eyes for the ten thousandth time, and started to walk back to the pick up. What a waste of time. 

He didn't expect Robert to grab his arm, or to spin him around. 

"Aaron," Robert said again. He still had a hold of Aaron's elbow. 

Aaron didn't like being touched. "Fuck off." Robert was too close, stupid leather jacket and stupid t-shirt and stupid hair. Aaron's breath caught, and he tried to yank himself away.

Robert jerked forward, and pressed his mouth to Aaron's. 

Aaron didn't meant to kiss back, but it was like he couldn't help it. He grabbed on to Robert's jacket, and kissed him, furious for letting it happen. Furious for wanting it to. 

He hated being taken unawares. He fucking hated not having the upper hand. 

Robert kissed him again, and Aaron surged up to meet him, trying to shove Robert back in the direction of the pick up. Tried to get the upper hand back, but Robert was taller than him, and was at least two seconds ahead of him, and Aaron was too taken aback to truly fight back. 

In the end, Robert pulled back. "Christ," he said softly. 

"Fuck off," Aaron said, shoving him away. 

Robert stepped back, out of his reach. Aaron's heart was pounding. He kept staring at Robert's face, even as Robert stared back. 

He watched as Robert got back in his car, revved the engine, and drove away. 

Aaron slumped back against the pick up, and touched his fingers to his mouth. Fuck.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthdays were all right, but they didn't mean anything, not really. Just another day.

Robert was in the pub later, his girlfriend by his side. She was rabbiting on about one of the hair salons her dad was letting her manage. Fucking rich people, honestly. Aaron hunched his shoulders up and poked at his beer. 

"What are you doing for your birthday, then?" Paddy asked, coming over and nodding at Chas for a pint, bumping his elbow into Aaron's as a weird kind of hello. 

Aaron shrugged. "Might go out," he said. 

"Brilliant story," Paddy said. "Tell me another one."

Aaron rolled his eyes. 

"Come over for your tea first."

Robert glanced over at him. Aaron pretended not to notice. "I'm not a kid."

"You still have to eat," Paddy told him. "I'll do you a pie."

Aaron quite liked a pie. 

"Chips too," Paddy went on. "Proper ones. I'll get the deep fat fryer out."

"Thought Rhona said you couldn't have them anymore."

"Special occasion, isn't it? Birthdays don't count."

"Suppose," Aaron said. He looked at Robert, catching his eye for a moment, then looked away. "Got to do an hour in the garage first. Closing up for Debbie."

"Don't bite my hand off or anything. It's not like I've got you a present or anything."

"I'm not a kid," Aaron said again. Not that he'd had presents when he was a kid, but whatever. 

Paddy clapped him on the back anyway. "Come over later, then."

"All right," Aaron said, and he finished the rest of his beer and then went out the back of the bar, into the house, to have a bag of crisps. 

Birthdays were all right, but they didn't mean anything, not really. Just another day. 

~*~

He was watching the kettle boil when the door into the living room opened. It was only going to be his mum, trying to wish him happy birthday, like birthdays were important or something, so he didn't bother turning round. He put a teabag in the Little Miss Trouble mug that his mum pretended to hate but was always at the front of the cupboard. 

"You didn't say it was your birthday."

Robert. Aaron stiffened for a moment, then poured water onto his tea bag. "Didn't ask, did you?"

It wasn't like they'd had a lot of time for talking, earlier. Or ever. 

"You should have said," Robert persisted. Aaron still wouldn't turn around, but Robert was right there in the kitchen behind him, too close for comfort. Aaron's mum and Robert's step-mum owned the pub together, but that didn't mean Aaron wanted Robert wandering in and out of the back rooms. He was supposed to be staying over the road, in the house Diane and Victoria were looking after for Betty Eagleton. 

Aaron made a face. "When?"

"Don't know," Robert said, and then his hand was on Aaron's hip, and he was stepping even closer, pressing himself to Aaron's back so that he could tilt Aaron's head to one side and kiss his neck. "Wanted to say Happy Birthday."

"Geroff," Aaron said, trying to shrug him away. He didn't try all that hard, though; his skin was already flushed. 

"Tell me to stop, then," Robert said, fingertips splayed across Aaron's throat as he tipped Aaron's chin up, mouthing at his jaw. 

Aaron stayed quiet, and Robert pressed closer, burying his face in Aaron's neck. 

"Been thinking about this since the first time I saw you," Robert told him. "Thought about kissing you."

Fuck it, Aaron thought, and turned around. 

Robert grinned at him. "Fancied you," he said, bracketing his legs either side of Aaron's. 

Aaron raised an eyebrow. "Did you," he said, without bothering to add the question mark. He didn't say, _when? when you were out with your girlfriend?_ because Robert's business was Robert's business, and Aaron didn't give a shit about how Robert justified stuff to himself. 

"Course."

"What about Chrissie?" Aaron always did like kicking a bruise. He never did know how to protect himself. 

Robert didn't still. "Just a bit of fun," he said, and he touched his mouth to the corner of Aaron's. "Just a bit of fun."

Aaron let out a breath, tilted his chin up, and kissed Robert back. 

~*~

Aaron's tea went cold. 

~*~

He pottered about in the garage later on. There was an oil change to do, answering the phone if it rung, and a bit of boring tidying up, the kind of thing that Debbie gave him just to make sure he was serious about the garage and really wanted the apprenticeship after college. Aaron wasn't really serious about anything, not really, but the garage seemed as good as option as any. It was an hour's wage, anyway, for minding it, and then there was pie and chips at Paddy's after that, so Aaron couldn't exactly complain too much. 

There was Robert to think about, too. Robert, who couldn't be trusted and didn't know how to fight, who had a girlfriend but liked cock, who'd been watching Aaron since he'd shown up in the village. 

And Aaron, who liked being watched. Aaron, who liked the thrill of it all, who liked Robert's broad shoulders and stupid smirk; Aaron, who pretended he hated people but loved the fucking attention, who craved it but wouldn't ever fucking show it. Aaron, who liked being touched but wouldn't admit it in a thousand, million years. 

Aaron, who knew he made stupid, dangerous life choices, but kept on making them anyway. 

Someone cleared their throat behind him. 

Aaron stilled. He knew it was Robert. He went back to fiddling with the oil, even though the change was finished now. 

"No one's around," Robert said. 

"No shit," Aaron said, without turning around. 

"So, then," Robert said. 

Aaron rolled his eyes. "What're you doing here, Robert?"

"Looking for you."

"Well, you found me. You want some kind of prize, or what?"

Robert slid his hands over Aaron's hips. "Just you."

Aaron let out a breath. He'd never admit it, but he liked it when people took control. They just never tried it because he'd rip their arms off before letting them find it out. He rocked his hips forward, out of Robert's way, and then sidestepped round the side of the car, getting the bonnet down. "Three times in one day," he said finally, because Robert was still watching him with that smirk on his face. "You going for a record?"

"Nah," Robert said. "I just go for what I want."

"Right," Aaron said, huffing out a laugh. He rolled his eyes. "And I'm supposed to believe that you want Chrissie on one arm and me on the other?"

"I told you. I fancied you, and I thought you'd be up for a bit of fun."

"Fun, right."

"Well," Robert said. "Was I wrong?"

It had been a long time since Jackson, and a while since his short-lived attempt at a relationship with Ed. A long time since everything, really, except for the scars on his stomach and his thighs. He'd dare Robert to say anything about them. 

Aaron shook his head, and Robert smirked again, stepping into Aaron's space. "Thought not," he said, and he cupped Aaron's face in his hands. His gaze dropped from Aaron's eyes to his mouth and back up again. Aaron, sick of waiting round and even sicker of Robert deciding how things were going to go, surged forward and kissed him. 

Robert kissed him back, thumbs pressed to Aaron's cheeks. 

~*~

Getting a boiler suit undone in the heat of the moment was a bit of a nightmare, all things considered. 

~*~

Afterwards, Robert traced his fingertips over the slightly faded scars on Aaron's stomach. Aaron, propped up on his elbows in the back seat of a 2007, two litre, silver Ford Mondeo estate, twitched. 

Robert, on his knees between Aaron's legs, just kept touching him. 

"Aaron--"

"Beggar off," Aaron said. "It's nothing. Leave it."

Robert waited a second before nodding. He shifted so that his hand was on Aaron's hip. "Enough of a birthday present for you?"

"I don't do birthdays."

"You do today," Robert said, and ducked his head to take the tip of Aaron's dick into his mouth. 

Aaron slid his hands into Robert's hair and let him do what he wanted. 

~*~

"You seem remarkably cheerful," Paddy said, plating up two steak and kidney pies with proper chips and some peas and carrots. "You practically smiled at me then."

"Did not," Aaron said, folding his arms. "You're seeing things, Paddy."

"Hmm," Paddy said. "Am I. What's got you all happy?"

"Nothing," Aaron said, as moodily as he could manage. "Stop talking, Paddy, unless you want the chips to be cold."

Paddy hmmed, and brought over the jug of Bisto. "I'll get it out of you, you know. I know you." 

"Do you."

"I do." Paddy winked at him. It was sort of disconcerting. Aaron made a face. "Happy birthday, kid."

Aaron stared down at his plate. His eyes felt hot. "Thanks," he said gruffly. "Eat your pie."

Paddy grinned at him, and reached for the Bisto.

~*~

In the morning, there was a text message on his phone from Robert. 

_you up for a repeat performance? x_

Aaron rolled his eyes, and sent back, _suppose so._

_i'll find you at college x_

This was going to end badly, Aaron could just fucking tell.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron never did what people wanted him to. He never fucking did what people wanted him to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contains reference to Aaron's previous self harm.

~*~

Aaron was in the cafeteria with Adam when he saw Robert for the first time on Monday. Aaron was eating a cheese sandwich and a packet of salt and vinegar crisps when Robert went by with a full meal on a tray, wearing a shirt like he was in a meeting and not just at college with the rest of them. 

"He's a weird one," Adam said, elbowing Aaron. "Victoria says that Chrissie's dad is going to pay him a well good salary when he's done here. He already does loads of work for him. How's that fair? He's not even going to have to go to uni."

"Uni's shit anyway," Aaron said, as Robert glanced over, gaze resting on Aaron for a moment before skipping past him. Aaron met his gaze for just a second before going back to his sandwich. "Like any of us are going to uni."

"I dunno. Victoria might. She's brainy."

"Nah, she's too clever. Doesn't want to owe all that fucking money."

Aaron's phone buzzed in his pocket, but he waited until he'd finished his sandwich to take a look. 

_bikesheds 15 mins xx_

Aaron didn't bother replying, shoving his phone back into his pocket.

He made a big deal of eating the rest of his sandwich dead slowly. 

~*~

Robert was sitting up on one of the piles of old bike frames round the back of the shed when Aaron got there, mooching round the corner with his hands in his pockets. 

"Took you long enough," Robert said, hopping off the pile. He brushed his hands over his arse. There were much better places to hide out round college, but maybe that was the pull of this place. It was revolting and overgrown and everything was rusty. 

"Nice place," Aaron said, not taking his hands out of his pocket. "You bring Chrissie here?"

Robert ignored that, stepping closer. "You look hot today."

Aaron didn't bother rolling his eyes. He thought his silence said it pretty well.

"Been thinking about kissing you," Robert went on, so close now that his shoes bumped up against Aaron's trainers. He reached out and touched Aaron's bicep, running his hands up Aaron's arms until he could cup Aaron's face. Aaron remained as still as possible the whole time, refusing to give in and reach for him. He could do impassive. He'd done impassive his whole fucking life. No one knew what Aaron was thinking, and that was the way he liked it. "Been thinking about sucking you off again."

Aaron hissed in a breath, but refused to take his hands out of his pockets. He didn't say, _what, here?_ because he knew Robert wanted him to, and Aaron never did what people wanted him to. He never fucking did what people wanted him to. 

Robert gave him half a smile, the corner of his mouth turning up. "You want this," he said, and then he leaned in and kissed Aaron, and Aaron managed about a quarter of a second before he kissed him back, huffing in a breath as he pushed Robert back against the wall.

"You don't know anything about me," Aaron told him, one arm across Robert's chest, holding him there. He was so close he could feel Robert's breath against his mouth. "You know nothing."

"I know you want this," Robert said, and Aaron kissed him again, unable to help himself from taking what was on offer, unable to stop himself from giving in. Robert pushed him back until they stumbled into the grass, tripping over something rusty and old that might have been an old bike frame. "I know you want me."

"Fuck off yourself," Aaron said, but he was still kissing him, tugging Robert's shirt out of his trousers and shoving his hands underneath, until he could feel Robert's ragged breathing beneath his fingertips as Robert slid his hands over Aaron's arse and yanked him closer. 

They kissed, breathless and messy, until someone shouted from round the front of the bike shed, and they stumbled apart, red-faced and breathing heavily. Aaron tried to tidy up his jumper and his tracksuit bottoms whilst Robert did up the bottom buttons of his shirt and shoved it back into his trousers. 

"I know somewhere we can go," Robert said in an undertone. "A place we won't be disturbed."

"Do you now," Aaron said, trying his best for unimpressed. Trying to look like he didn't care. 

"There's a barn. They're just using it to store hay for winter."

"Look at you, talking like you know one end of a farm from another."

Robert rolled his eyes at that. "My dad was a farmer. Like, I might only have been a kid when my mum died, but I still know when a barn's going to be deserted."

"Sorry," Aaron said, looking anywhere but at Robert. 

"I'll text you when," Robert said. "Tell you where."

"Fine." Aaron shoved his hands in his pockets. He was still staring at something that wasn't Robert, a pile of rusty old bike racks half falling over. 

"Hey," Robert said, leaning in to kiss the corner of Aaron's mouth. "I'll see you later, right?"

Aaron wouldn't say yes or no. He gave the smallest nod he could, instead. 

Robert kissed him again, Aaron tilting his chin up and letting him, and then Robert was gone, and Aaron was by himself at the back of the bike sheds, and he knew he was in trouble.

~*~

Robert had brought a blanket. It was laid out on a pile of straw. 

Aaron made a face. 

"Hi," Robert said. "You want a beer?" He held out a can of Carlsberg.

"Could do." He took the can and cracked it open, downing about a third of it in one go. He raised an eyebrow at Robert, then again at the blanket. 

Robert just grinned. 

"Does this count as wining and dining me?" Aaron asked, when Robert offered him a cream cracker. He didn't take one.

"Do you need wining and dining?" 

"Not really," Aaron said. He didn't really need anything. Never need anything or anyone, that was how to live a life.You didn't get into shit if you didn't fucking care. 

"How about this, then?" Robert asked, putting his Carlsberg down and cupping Aaron's elbow in his hand, pulling him a little closer. 

"I'm drinking here, mate."

"Drink here instead." 

Aaron rolled his eyes, but vaguely obediently stepped into Robert's space. He kept on drinking, though, his gaze fixed on Robert. It made him uncomfortable, the way Robert could push and pull him around, and how he just kept on letting him do it. Jackson had pushed, back in the day, nudging Aaron around with that stupid grin and his stupid hair and his stupid fucking sarcasm. It wouldn't have lasted, relationships never did, and they never fucking did around Aaron, but Aaron relived Jackson's death on average about once a day and it never ended well.

He downed the rest of his can, squeezed his fist around it and dropped it on the floor before pushing Robert backwards, making a grab for Robert's jacket. 

Robert just laughed, letting him, and when Aaron kissed him he could still taste Robert's laughter on his tongue. 

~*~

Straw was uncomfortable, and made his nose itch, and there wasn't much you could say when you were naked in a barn and lying next to Robert Sugden. Aaron didn't have much to say at the best of times, but he really didn't have much to say when he had his cock out in a barn. 

He put his arm behind his head. 

Robert bumped his foot into Aaron's ankle. "You ever going to tell me about these?" He stroked his knuckle over Aaron's thigh, over the latticework of scars, new and old. The patchwork of Aaron's stomach and thighs, little ridges and bumps and scars and cuts that reminded him how to breathe.

"Nah," Aaron said. "None of your business."

"Victoria said your boyfriend died."

"He wasn't my boyfriend," Aaron said, because him and Jackson were a mess and what they were or weren't was nothing to do with Robert fucking Sugden. Jackson was dead, and it was in the past, and Aaron would have fucked it up anyway. He'd mostly fucked it up before the car accident and the train hitting Jackson's van. He didn't move. He was good at staying still sometimes. 

Robert shifted onto his side so he could stroke the flat of his hand over Aaron's stomach. He leaned over and kissed Aaron's shoulder, and Aaron couldn't help but shiver. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Aaron said, because he was. He was always fucking fine. "It was ages ago."

Robert nodded, and dropped another kiss to Aaron's shoulder. "All right."

"Yeah," Aaron said, and he tugged Robert closer so he could kiss him again, and shut the rest of it up again, just for a bit.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert was trouble, and Aaron knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains brief but explicit self harm. If you need to ask me anything, my Tumblr ask is always open.

"That Katie doesn't half hate you," Aaron said, hunching his shoulders up around his can of Coke at the cafeteria window. Katie was sitting inside with Andy, staring right out the window directly towards them. Glaring daggers.

Robert shrugged. "So?" 

"So," Aaron said, mouth going down at the edges, a shrugged frown. "Most people don't like it when people hate them."

"I'm not most people," Robert said. His scarf was knotted around his neck, his stupid bodywarmer zipped up half way.

Aaron rolled his eyes. "You're a right knob, that's what you are." He picked up his rucksack from the ground by his feet, scrunching up his Coke can and lobbing it in the direction of the nearest bin. He didn't have time for this shit. 

Robert didn't stop him leaving, but then, Robert never did.

~*~

"You shouldn't hang around with Robert Sugden," Katie said, finding Aaron after school. He was leaning up against the wall by the bus stop, thinking miserably about the piece of shit car he was going to get himself so that he didn't have to wait for the bus in the rain.

"What's it to you?" 

"I'm just saying," Katie said. "He's trouble. Stay away from him."

"I wasn't anywhere near him," Aaron said, "but I'll hang round with who I want, all right?"

"He's trouble," Katie said again. 

The bus was coming round the corner. Aaron pushed himself off the wall and in the direction of the bus queue. 

"Aaron."

"We're not mates," Aaron said, shouldering his rucksack and trying to find his bus pass in his back pocket. 

"Aaron," she said again. "Listen to me."

"I am listening," he said. "But it wasn't me who slept with my boyfriend's brother, was it? How come it's all his fault?"

Her face fell. Aaron felt something twist in his chest. Guilt settled heavy on his skin. His eyebrow twitched. 

"He's trouble," she called after him, even as he was getting onto the bus and going right down the back to find a seat by himself. "He's trouble and you're falling for it."

That night, once he knew his mum was downstairs in the pub for the evening, he cut three lines into his thigh: one for Katie, one for Robert, and one – the deepest – for him. The blood ran gently down his leg, too gently, a silent scream he let dry against his skin. 

~*~

Robert and Chrissie were drinking coffees outside the café in the morning, cupped hands warm around their takeaway cups. 

Aaron hunkered down inside his jacket, shoulders up. He didn't give a shit about college and he didn't give a shit about his qualifications, but every time he saw Paddy he'd get grief about bunking off. It was properly shit and Aaron couldn't be bothered with the hassle. It was easier just to go to lessons and put up with some shit teacher wanging on about what the fuck ever. 

"You going to school?" Robert called. "I could give you a lift."

Aaron glanced at Chrissie. "You're all right."

"Door to door," Robert said. "Got to be better than the bus, hasn't it?"

Aaron didn't say anything to that. He shrugged again instead, heading up the road towards the bus stop. He heard Robert's chair scrape against the ground and he hunched his shoulders up more against the cold. 

"Come on," Robert said, from by his elbow. "What have you got to lose?"

Aaron's gaze flickered over Robert's shoulder to Chrissie. It was well weird, her looking all posh and rich and shit and going out with some closet case who was doing his A levels. Her dad was giving her a salon all of her own for her twenty-first. 

"I'll give you a lift," Robert said again. "Come on."

Aaron didn't say anything, but the bus was coming up the hill now, and he wasn't running for it. He wasn't doing anything. 

Robert let out a breath. "Okay," he said. "Good."

~*~

Robert pulled into the Co-op car park on the way to college. 

"You need something?" Aaron asked, nodding towards the shop.

Robert let the engine die away, then reached over to cup his hand around Aaron's head. 

Aaron shifted out of his touch. 

"Aaron."

"You're trouble," Aaron said. "Everyone says it."

"And you listen to what everyone says, do you? You listen to what they say about you?"

Aaron shrugged again. "What are we here for, anyway? Cos if you want a Mars Bar, can you get a move on?"

Robert touched his hand to Aaron's hair again. Aaron wanted to pull away but he couldn't quite bring himself to. His fingertips were touching the nape of his neck. "I'm here for you," Robert said softly, and Aaron let his gaze drop from Robert's eyes to his mouth and back again. He should have looked smug and self-important and like a right bastard, but he didn't. He just looked like he wanted Aaron, and Aaron spent his whole fucking life pretending he didn't want nothing or no one, but it wasn't true. It wasn't fucking true. 

"Get off," Aaron said, but he didn't mean it. He just stared at Robert's mouth, even as Robert was leaning in, even as Robert was touching his mouth to Aaron's, and Aaron was tilting his chin up and kissing him back, far too gentle and far too sweet for anything where either of them were concerned. 

Aaron kissed him back, hands to Robert's face, and part of Aaron was always drowning, but this time, he was taking someone down with him. 

~*~

"Come to the barn tonight," Robert said at lunch, in the thirty seconds between Adam going back to the till for a bag of salt and vinegar crisps and Robert walking by with a sandwich on a tray. "Seven?"

"Fuck off," Aaron said, without looking up from his plate of chips. 

"Seven," Robert said, and when Adam came back, Robert was the other side of the room. 

"You think if I ask Victoria out, she might say yes?"

"Does it look like I care?" Aaron asked. 

"There's a heart in there somewhere," Adam told him, leaning over to poke him in the side. "I just know it."

~*~

It was half seven by the time he got to the barn, and too dark to see. Robert was sitting on a hay bale with one of them battery powered lanterns next to him, an empty can of beer by his feet. 

"A lantern?" Aaron asked. 

"Not like this place comes with a light switch, does it?" There was more than one can on the floor. Two, maybe. Three. 

Aaron made a face. "Suppose. You drunk?"

"A bit," Robert said. "Night to myself."

"Right." Aaron shoved his hands in his pockets. "Girlfriend away, then."

"She's busy," Robert agreed. He downed the rest of his can of beer and scrunched it in his fist, dropping it down on the floor by his feet with the rest. "Can I suck you off?"

Aaron let out a breath. He stepped closer, into the crappy light of the lantern, tapping the empties away with the toe of his trainer. "Been here a while, have you?"

Robert opened his legs a little, inviting Aaron in. He reached for him, big hand to Aaron's thigh, drawing him in. "Might have been. Come here."

Aaron didn't do what anyone told him, but he wasn't going to turn down a good blowie, even if Robert was trouble. He undid the top button of his jeans and let Robert fumble with the zip. Robert was a bit of a sloppy drunk, working Aaron's dick to hardness as he took the tip in his mouth. He groaned around him, spit-slick and jaw easy, and sometimes a blow job was just a fucking blow job. He slid his hands into Robert's hair as Robert worked him off, trying not to fix his gaze on Robert as he brought him off. 

He came in Robert's mouth in the end, Robert catching most of it before leaning over to spit down onto the ground. 

Aaron tipped his head back for a moment, staring up at the ceiling. 

He didn't do with cheating. It wasn't his thing. Chrissie was well posh and too rich to exist in any world Aaron knew, but that wasn't enough to make it all right. Robert was hers, and not his. The Roberts of this world – trouble or not – didn't pick Aaron when they could have Chrissie. 

Robert was touching Aaron's leg. "These are new," he said softly, a little less drunk than before. The three cuts. One for Aaron, one for Katie, one for Robert. Yesterday. Robert's thumb pressed against Aaron's skin. 

"It's nothing," Aaron said, pulling away and trying to tug his boxers up. 

"What are you doing that to yourself for, huh? Why would you—" Robert tried to stand up, tried to reach for him. "Why would you do that to yourself?"

"We're not doing this again," Aaron told him, zipping himself back up and doing up his top button. He'd caught one of the cuts pulling his trousers up; it stung like fuck. 

"You can talk to me," Robert persisted, trying to reach for his elbow. "I'm here for you."

Aaron laughed at that. He couldn't help himself. "You're not," he said. "You're here because you like cock and you haven't told your girlfriend you're gay."

"I'm not gay."

"Course you're not," Aaron agreed. "Still a cheat, though, aren't you?"

"Stop pushing me away," Robert said. "I hate watching you do this to yourself."

"We aren't nothing," Aaron said. "Bit of fun, that's what you said, isn't it? Well, you have your fun, and stop fucking interfering in stuff that's not your business."

"I mean it, Aaron, you can talk to me."

"Go home, Robert," Aaron said, already zipping his coat back up and heading for the door. He shouldn't have come. 

Outside it had started to rain. 

Robert might be the one cheating, but Aaron was the one shouldering the guilt, whichever way he knew how.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some discussion of self harm and of a previous suicide attempt. Contact me on Tumblr if you need more details.

"You've got to talk to me sometime, you know." Robert leaned up against the wall outside the cafeteria, one knee up. 

Aaron rolled his eyes. He was eating a ham roll, or he'd been trying to, before Robert had come bothering him. "Do I?"

"Yeah," Robert said, elbowing him. "You all right?"

"Course," Aaron said. He took a bite of his ham roll. He was supposed to be meeting Adam, but Adam was busy waiting outside the maths department for Victoria to finish up her lesson. Aaron was really supposed to be talking to Mr Turner about his English coursework, but quite frankly, there was no way Aaron was going to pass anything that involved writing a fucking essay. Paddy was having a laugh. He'd fucked his GCSE English up once, retaking it was just a joke. 

"What about the, um…" 

There wasn't really a way to say _self harm_ without saying _self harm_. He'd had a counsellor for a bit, after his mum had found out he'd been hurting himself after Jackson died. She thought he was okay now. He was. It was just that sometimes there was stuff inside of him and he had to let it out. 

"Fuck off," Aaron said. "I'm fine."

"Yeah? Were you fine last week when you sliced your leg open?"

"I'm supposed to be talking about my coursework." He could see Adam and Victoria over the other side of the playground, the two of them leaning up against the wall by the outside PE changing rooms. 

"Yeah, I'm supposed to be writing my psychology coursework," Robert told him, like Aaron even cared. Aaron didn't give a shit. He didn't care about anyone or anything, not Adam forgetting about him already, not retaking his maths and English, not this stupid BTEC he didn't care about but Paddy was paying for, not the way Katie looked at him every time he walked by. Not Robert fucking Sugden and his stupid fucking gay meltdown. 

"Like I care."

"Stop pushing me away, Aaron. I'm trying to be your friend here."

Aaron threw the remains of his sandwich in the bin. "Since when were we mates?" He'd bruised his stomach the night before, pinching and pulling and nipping and scratching. He kept seeing Chrissie whenever he closed his eyes. "We're not mates."

"I'm trying to be," Robert called after him, even as Aaron was walking away, hands shoved in the pockets of his tracksuit bottoms. "Aaron. _Aaron_."

Aaron didn't need nothing or nobody, and he definitely didn't need Robert fucking Sugden. 

~*~

"What's up with you?" Paddy asked, coming into the back room of the pub like it was okay for him to just wander in and out of Aaron's house. 

"You never heard of knocking, or what?" Aaron dropped his biro down onto the page. He fucking hated college. He hated being older than the others. He'd not been bothered about his GCSEs the first time around, too busy trying to avoid being sent to Young Offenders for beating Jackson up. Aaron had tried to kill himself the morning of his maths GCSE, and by October that year, Jackson had been dead. He hadn't even been trying and he'd done better at dying than Aaron had. There'd been a year after that, a year of mooching around and hurting himself and hating the fucking world, then Paddy had made him come back to school and get his BTEC and his maths and English. 

"How's it going, you know, all that," Paddy said, pointing down at his maths book. 

Aaron shrugged. He was only trying at all because Paddy wouldn't let up moaning about giving Aaron a future. He was always fucking going on at him. 

"Brilliant story," Paddy said, patting his thighs. Paddy was like a pantomime sometimes, except he was real and a pain in the arse and always going on at him about something. "Do you want to come round for your tea?"

"You're all right."

"I'm doing chips."

Aaron glanced up. Paddy always looked so hopeful, like he knew Aaron would give in. "Rhona doesn't let you have chips."

"What Rhona doesn't know. She's going round to Vanessa's. Girls' night."

"Do I look like I care?"

"Chips," Paddy said. "I'm doing them. What do you fancy with your chips? I could do pie?"

Aaron's stomach hurt. The bruises were still there, pinch marks and punches and the rest besides, but they'd faded a bit. Robert kept trying to make eye contact with him in the canteen, always turning up outside his lessons like he could casually hang around with Aaron and have no one notice. Katie was watching them like a hawk. Chrissie was a stupid cow for trusting Robert in the first place, but Aaron was stupider for giving into it. 

"Aaron."

"You got fish fingers?" Aaron asked, because sometimes he just wanted fish fingers and chips and for Paddy to be his dad. 

Paddy grinned at him. It was too easy to make Paddy smile. Sometimes it was almost like Aaron didn't have to even try. It made it harder for Aaron to accept them, perversely. Everything about Aaron was fucked up and upside down. Aaron tried to punish himself for that sometimes, but that just made it worse. 

"Course I've got fish fingers. What sort of monster do you think I am?"

"The stupid kind," Aaron said. 

Paddy laughed. "I'll go to the shop and get us something for pudding."

"None of that yogurt crap."

"As if. Half past five, all right?"

"Fine," Aaron said, as exasperated as he could manage.

"Do your homework," Paddy said, making some kind of approximation of finger guns in his general direction. 

Aaron rolled his eyes. 

~*~

They both had their feet up on Paddy's coffee table, _The Fast and the Furious_ on the telly, when Aaron's phone buzzed with a text. They had matching slippers on because Paddy was a dickhead and didn't like shoes in the house. 

_You around? Xx_

Robert. 

"You got an admirer?" Paddy asked, elbowing him. 

"Fuck off," Aaron said. 

_Am at paddys_

The message came back almost immediately. _Want to go for a drive?_

Aaron had had a couple of cans of beer, fish fingers and chips for his tea, and crumble and custard for his pudding. _Dunno_ , he texted back. 

"You got a boyfriend, Aaron? Someone you want to tell me about?"

Aaron shrugged a shoulder.

"Aa-ron," Paddy sang, elbowing him. "You've got a boyfriend."

"I have not, fuck off."

A new text came through. _Meet me by the bus stop in ten minutes. I'll pick you up. Say yes. Miss you x_

Christ. Fucking hell. 

"Do you like him?"

Aaron stared down at his phone. That poor cow, Chrissie. He tried not to think about her. 

"You do," Paddy said, in obvious and infuriating delight. "Is he from college? Where did you meet him? What's he like?"

_make it 5_ , he texted back, already getting to his feet. He added an _xx_ and pressed send. "Got to go," he said. He took his slippers off and put them on the shoe rack in the hall. 

"Are you meeting him?" Paddy asked, following him to the front door. "What's his name?"

Aaron shook his head. "You're mad, you," he said, shoving his feet into his boots over his jeans. 

"Come for your tea at the weekend," he said. "Tell me everything."

"No way," Aaron said, but he was half way down the path by then, hands in the pockets of his jacket. 

"Someone's got a boyfriend," Paddy sing-songed. Aaron replied by sticking his middle finger up at him over his shoulder. Behind him, Paddy laughed. "See you at the weekend, then."

"Fine," Aaron said, but it was under his breath so Paddy couldn't hear. "Whatever."

~*~

He waited just up the road from the bus stop, leaning back against the wall with his jacket pulled up against the cold, shoulders hunched up. It was five minutes before Robert's white Audi pulled up in front of him. 

"Thought you weren't going to be here," Robert said, once he'd opened the door and climbed in.

Aaron shrugged. "Well boring at Paddy's, wasn't it?"

Robert made a face like Paddy was a bit of an idiot. He _was_ a bit of an idiot, but he was Aaron's idiot, and Robert could shut the fuck up. He'd turned the heat up, though, even though he was in his stupid leather jacket and it was only Aaron who was shivering. 

Aaron turned to look out the window, elbow propped up. "Where are we going?" he asked finally. 

"Dunno," Robert said. "Thought we'd just drive, I don't know."

Aaron nodded, and they ended up taking the Harrogate road, then heading towards Leeds before turning off towards Otley. The Wharfe had flooded a bit and Robert took the wet patches too fast as they went through Arthington. 

"You'll fuck your car up," Aaron said in the end. "Just cos I do a bit of work for Debbie doesn't mean I'm going to fix your car for you when you fuck it up."

Robert slowed down. "Are you still hurting yourself?"

"Robert. Shut up."

"Why do you do it?"

Aaron kept looking out the window. They turned off the road and started to drive up a hill. 

"I can't bear to watch you hurt yourself," Robert said, once they'd pulled up at a set of traffic lights. 

"Do you know where you're going?"

"Yeah," Robert said. He reached over and touched his hand to Aaron's knee. Aaron wanted to flinch away, but there was a hell of a lot Aaron wanted, and if he was anything, he was his own worst enemy. "You can talk to me. If ever you need me, you can talk to me."

"What if you're with Chrissie? Can I talk to you then?"

"If you need me."

Aaron let out a breath. They turned right. Aaron had lost track of where they were, but the signs still pointed towards Otley. "She's a silly cow, being with you."

"She's nice."

"Yeah," Aaron said. "And you're gay."

"I'm not," Robert said, but his hand was still on Aaron's thigh. "I care about you."

Aaron nodded at that, but he kept staring out the window. He cared too. That was the fucking problem. He always ended up caring. He didn't know how to stop. He never knew how to fucking stop. 

~*~

Robert pulled into the car park at the top of the chevin, the gravel crunching under the tyres as he parked in the far corner. It was dark and windy and there wasn't anyone around. They weren't quite at the crest of the hill so they couldn't even look down into the town; shadowed in the lee of the rocks, it was just the two of them in the darkness now the headlights were switched off. 

"I like you," Robert said softly. 

"Yeah," Aaron said. 

"I think about you all the time."

Aaron nodded again. He kept looking out the window into the darkness. He kept looking even when Robert slid his hand into Aaron's. 

"I can't watch you hurt yourself."

"Look the other way, then."

"No," Robert said. "I can't."

Aaron's hand was sweating. He didn't hold hands. He never had. 

Robert reached for him then, cupping Aaron's cheek in his other hand. 

When he kissed him, Aaron kissed back, reluctant. Needy. Already hard. 

He was such a fucking mess. 

Aaron went down on Robert right there in the car, gear stick getting in the way but Robert's hands in his hair. Afterwards, Robert kissed him over and over, sliding his hands under Aaron's jacket and under his jumper and under his t-shirt. 

He flinched, unable to help himself.

Robert went still. "No," he said, even as Aaron was trying to pull his t-shirt down. Robert switched on the overhead light, tugging up Aaron's jumper. 

The bruises stood out in ragged desperation across Aaron's skin. 

Robert made a soft, awful sound in his throat, and Aaron trembled with it. 

"Oh, god," Robert said, so quiet. His fingertips brushed over Aaron's skin. "How did you – Christ." He glanced at Aaron's face. "You did this to yourself."

"It doesn't matter."

Robert kept touching him, tracing out bruise after bruise with the tips of his fingers. It stung. "It matters to me. Am I making you do this?"

Aaron pulled his jumper down. "You're not that fucking important." It sounded like a lie, even to him. 

"They're going to give me a job," Robert said. "Lawrence. Chrissie's dad. More than just a job. A place in the business. Just need my A levels."

"Yeah," Aaron said. 

"I'd be good at it."

"Yeah," Aaron said, and he kept on looking the other way. His eyes were wet. He didn't want them to be. He sniffed, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. 

"I think about you all the time."

"Yeah, right."

"I do," Robert said softly. "I worry about you too."

"No need. I'm fine."

"You're not."

"I am." He shrugged. "Don't think I'm going to finish my BTEC. Can't be doing with fucking lessons."

"Why would you do that? Why would you give up?"

"Dunno. What's the point? Like I'm ever going to pass my maths and English. It's only Paddy going on about it all the fucking time that got me there in the first place."

"Don't."

Aaron sniffed again, wiping his nose. "I'm shit at it."

Robert bumped his knuckles into Aaron's thigh. "Don't make me think I fell for a quitter."

Aaron stilled. 

"Stay," Robert said. "Please don't give up."

Aaron swallowed. He couldn't look at Robert. "She's a right silly cow, that Chrissie. But I'm worse. Falling for you."

"I'm not giving you up. I don't think I could." He reached for Aaron's hand again. "And I'm going to make sure you're okay. I'm going to be here for you."

See, the thing was, Aaron knew having anything to do with Robert Sugden was a bad fucking idea. He knew it, but it wasn't enough to make him stop. 

It was never enough to make him stop.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More self-harming behaviours. [Send me an ask if you need to know more.](http://magicalrocketships.tumblr.com/ask)

"Half seven, you said," Aaron said, leaning back against the wall. "What time do you call this?"

"Thought you might have waited," Robert said, which didn't answer Aaron's question. Robert had been missing from school at lunchtime and Aaron hadn't seen him since. He ran his hands under the tap before pulling a couple of paper towels out of the dispenser on the wall. "Got there and you'd gone."

Aaron shrugged. "Never even went," he said, which was a lie. He'd been at the barn at half seven, just like they'd arranged. He'd seen Katie on her horse a couple of fields over as he'd wandered up the road. What was it with posh girls and the Sugden brothers? Chrissie was well up her own arse too. Aaron had waited until quarter past eight, then he'd pissed off home, and now it was nine and Robert was in the pub toilets in a maroon suit, smirking like he hadn't stood Aaron up. 

"I got stuck doing something for Lawrence," Robert said, and he risked a glance outside before leaning in and kissing the corner of Aaron's mouth. Aaron looked the other way, arms folded. "He let me go to this meeting all by myself. Closed it and everything. Had to stay for a drink."

"Right," Aaron said, nodding. "You're all set then, aren't you?"

"Aaron—" 

"Who does business with an eighteen year old, anyway?"

"They do if it's on Lawrence's recommendation." A smile played on Robert's face. "Was thinking about you, though."

"Yeah, right." Aaron rolled his eyes. 

"Don't be like that," Robert said. "It's good experience." He touched his hand to Aaron's hip, the one furthest from the door. "Missed you today."

Aaron didn't say anything to that. He unfolded and refolded his arms, refusing to meet Robert's eyes. It was stupid, this. It was odd hours in the barn and captured moments at school or round the back of the old bike shed. But it was also seeing Robert coming into the pub with Chrissie and her dad to eat dinner, meals together that just fixed Robert ever-deeper in this life that wouldn't ever have a space for Aaron. Robert with his stupid future in Lawrence's business, his girlfriend with her own stupid salon. 

It was also Robert kissing him, gentle sometimes, careful, like Aaron was something to be looked after. It was Aaron, desperately not wanting to ever, ever let on that he needed it. 

"Bet you did," Aaron said gruffly, after a minute. 

"I did," Robert said, touching his arm. He lowered his voice. "I always miss you when I'm not with you."

"Proper romantic you are, aren't you?" Aaron bumped his shoulder into the condom machine. "Fucking around behind your girlfriend's back because you like cock."

"I like you."

"Same thing, innit? Me, cock. It's stupid, this. Go back to your girlfriend."

"Aaron."

Aaron shook his head. "Didn't come tonight anyway." He pushed off the wall and out into the corridor, going back through the door into the bar. He had homework he was supposed to be doing. Telly he was supposed to be watching instead. Something, anyway. 

His mum was behind the bar. "Finished your homework, have you?" she said, pulling another pint for Jimmy. 

"Leave it out, Mum," she said. 

"Proper little student I've got there," she told Jimmy, cocking her head in Aaron's direction. "Can't get him away from the books, this one."

Aaron rolled his eyes. Robert had just come back in, attention shifting to Aaron for a moment before Chrissie called him over. 

There was no point wishing it was different. This was how it was. 

~*~

"Katie reckons Robert Sugden's having an affair," Aaron's mum said at breakfast the following day. "Cheating on that Chrissie White."

"What's Katie doing talking to you?" Aaron asked, slurping the milk out the bottom of his bowl of Coco Pops. His hands shook a little and he ended up wiping milk off his chin with the back of his hand. 

"Got to stick together, us girls," Chas said, leaning back against the kitchen counter and taking a gulp of her tea. "Diane and Vic are so fixed on making Andy and Robert make up that they've forgotten why they all fell out in the first place."

Aaron wrinkled his nose. "They've forgiven Katie quick enough."

"Since when were you standing up for Robert Sugden?" She put the kettle on again, just like always, needing a second cup of tea just to get her going in the morning. "You don't sleep with your brother's fiancée. It's not on. There's no excuse for cheating, love. Robert's always been trouble."

"Whatever," Aaron said. Trying to find places to cut that Robert wouldn't see was too difficult. He'd ended up running at odd times of the day and night the last two or three weeks, trying to pound away the need with endless miles beneath his feet, but it hadn't fucking worked. It just meant he kept thinking about it, over and over, a rhythmic _look what you're doing look who you're hurting you're not worth it you're not worth it you're right to hate yourself everyone should hate you_ that he couldn't make shut up. His feet were blistered and his muscles ached and he still couldn't sleep. 

"We all make mistakes, love, but Robert's bad on the inside."

Aaron didn't have anything to say to that, so he didn't say anything at all. 

~*~

"Getting the bus today, or what?" Vic asked, falling into step beside him as he left for school. "Haven't seen you in ages."

"Well, that's cos you've been off snogging the face off of Adam."

She went a bit red, which was good because he was limping and didn't want anyone to notice. "I have not," she protested, then her shoulders dropped. "He's just really nice, all right? How come you never told me he was so nice?"

"Dunno," Aaron said. "Don't normally sell my mates."

"You should start," she said, hitting him in the arm. 

The bus was coming up the hill so they sped up a bit, Aaron determinedly ignoring his painful feet. When they got on, he showed his pass and went down the back of the bus to sit down next to Vic. 

"Thanks," she said, bumping the back of her hand against his. 

He wrinkled his nose. "What for?" 

"Talking to Robert sometimes. I've seen you. He doesn't have very many mates."

"Robert's well flash. Course he has mates."

"He doesn't," she persisted. "Just, like, Chrissie. She's nice, but, like... I don't know what she's doing with him. They're not mates. They're just, going out. Not like me and Adam. Not like Katie and Andy. Don't tell him I said that, will you? He hates not being as good as Andy, and Katie and Andy are properly good together. He won't tell me anything cos I'm just his little sister, but I reckon he's really lonely." She tucked her hand into the curve of Aaron's elbow, and Aaron didn't have the heart to push her away. "My dad dying, like… I think he thinks he's not in the family anymore, you know? Like it's me and Diane and Andy and he's just on the outside. I reckon that's why he's trying so hard to get in with Chrissie. I hate it though. He's my family but I can't make him believe it. He thinks it's just Andy and he'll be by himself again."

Aaron knew what being by himself felt like. He nodded, letting Vic lean into his side for the rest of the trip to school. 

~*~

Robert caught up with him on the way out of his maths lesson. It was embarrassing, taking his maths and English when he was eighteen already, but Paddy was Paddy and he was the closest thing to a proper dad Aaron had ever had, and that meant he'd put up with shit he'd never normally put up with. 

"What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you," Robert said. "About last night."

"It wasn't anything," Aaron said. "Doesn’t matter."

"Matters to me," Robert said as they headed for the stairs. Aaron did his best but he had to hold on to the bannister. His feet really hurt. They'd bled through his socks when he'd checked at break. He'd rubbed them raw running in his old trainers and he kept going out and running on them without strapping them up. Every step hurt. "Look, so, Lawrence and Chrissie are going away this weekend. They're going to meet Chrissie's sister in Deauville."

"No invitation for you?"

Robert shrugged. "There was," he said, "but I told them my A levels were too important for my future."

Kids were streaming past them as lessons let out for lunch. Aaron leaned against the bannister and folded his arms. "So? Do you want a medal?"

"They've offered me Home Farm for the weekend. To get some peace and quiet so I can do my coursework."

Aaron made a face. "Good?"

"Coursework's already done."

"Swot."

"Are you thick, or what?" Robert rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's get out of here."

Aaron wasn't a follower, but he ended up round the back of the bike sheds anyway, Robert backing him into the wall and rolling his hips up so that Aaron could feel the press of his dick against his. 

"A whole weekend together. That's what I'm offering," Robert said, kissing Aaron's jaw, his cheek, his temple. "Just you and me."

"Yeah?"

Robert tilted Aaron's chin up, eyes searching. "Do you want to?"

_No_ , Aaron thought. He didn't want to want it. Didn't want to be beholden to anyone or anything. He definitely didn't want to owe anything to Robert fucking Sugden, even if he was as alone as Aaron felt. "Dunno. What's in it for me?"

"I'll make you bacon sandwiches."

Aaron pressed forward and kissed him, hands to Robert's shoulders, Robert's hands cupping his face. 

He was in it too deep, in this too hard, feeling too much and too soon and Jackson had told him once that he was capable of love, that one day he'd be able to love someone, but he'd never fucking believed it. 

Christ. He'd never fucking believed it. 

~*~

"What did you tell Chas?" Robert asked when Aaron showed up on Friday night with a rucksack and a carrier bag full of beer. 

"That I was staying with a mate in Leeds."

"And she believed you?"

He shrugged. "Dunno. Suppose." More likely, Paddy had got to her and they thought he was with his new boyfriend. She'd waved him off with a _be good_. He'd recognised that gleam in her eye. It meant getting the third degree about his new bloke the moment he got home. Fuck. He sat down on the stairs and started to unlace his boots; he'd done his best to strap his feet up and look after them since he'd known he was coming here, but they were still in a bit of a mess. He was just hoping he could keep his socks on. "It's all right here, innit? Bit posh."

"You get used to it," Robert said, going through to the kitchen and putting Aaron's beers in the fridge. "Are you hungry?"

It felt a bit awkward, Aaron in his socked feet coming into Chrissie and Lawrence's kitchen. "Suppose."

"Thought we could order pizza. Spend the night on the sofa." He held out a can of beer. "You want one?"

"All right," Aaron said, taking a can. Robert had opened it for him. His chest felt weird, sort of cavernous and tiny all at the same time, this flutter right there in the centre, beating too fast and he couldn't shut it up. 

"Thanks for coming," Robert said softly, putting his can down on the table. 

Aaron shrugged. "It's fine," he said, but Robert was reaching for him and Aaron was putting his drink down and letting himself be touched. 

_I love you_ , he thought, and the world shifted. 

~*~

They took one of the spare bedrooms at the back, one with its own en-suite and a king-size bed. Aaron went down on Robert without even getting all of his clothes off, jeans half down and his dick hard against his stomach, Aaron with his hands on Robert's hips as he brought him off. 

"Christ," Robert said, hands in Aaron's hair as he came. "Fucking hell."

Aaron grinned at that, licking his lips before wiping his mouth, and Robert's eyes darkened. 

"Get up here."

Aaron went easily, for once trying to shut the rest of the world out. Just this one weekend. Just this one time for him to get what he wanted, for him to kiss Robert in an actual bed with no one to disturb them, the remains of two pizzas downstairs in the living room. 

Robert helped him out of his t-shirt, dumping his own shirt over the side of the bed, and kissed his way down Aaron's chest. It was different to the barn, to the back seat of a car, to blankets laid on straw. Straw was surprisingly uncomfortable and it made Aaron's nose itch. His nose still itched because the pillows were feather and not polyester, but just the luxury of having Robert crawl over him and kiss him over and over again was enough to make him not care about anything else. Aaron longed to push back, to push him away and grab his stuff and go back to the pub. He didn't want to be this person, in love and cheating and screwing some poor cow's life up by having sex in her own home with her own boyfriend. He hated himself for it, hated it, but Robert was in his head, careful with him in a way that no one else had ever quite managed to be, and he couldn't give that up. 

Aaron pretended he hated people, pretended he never wanted to be touched, pretended he could survive on his own. It was a lie, it was always a lie, and he hated himself for giving in. 

~*~

They lay in bed on Sunday morning, Robert's cheek pressed to Aaron's shoulder. Chrissie and Lawrence would be getting back that night. Robert traced his fingertips over Aaron's stomach and his thighs, over the pale scars and little marks that Aaron's hatred had left behind. 

"I hate that you do this to yourself," he said finally, shifting a little so he could press his mouth to Aaron's shoulder. "Does anyone else know?"

"Nothing to know."

"Aaron."

Aaron shrugged. "It's under control."

"I don't know whether it is."

"You don't know anything about me."

"I know you're worth more than you think you are. I know you're worth more than hating yourself like this."

Aaron rolled his eyes. "It's fine, honestly. Look, I'm going to go for a run, okay? Round the back, where no one will see me. Promise. Get the bacon on for when I get back, all right?"

Robert dropped back down onto the pillow. "You can let me in, you know. I… care about you."

Aaron leaned in to kiss him. "Be back in a bit."

~*~

He ran for five miles, until his feet hurt so much he was almost crying with it, until he had to limp the rest of the way home, his feet in agony. 

~*~

"Thought you might want company," Robert said, slipping into the bathroom when Aaron had just got in the shower. 

Aaron's feet were bloody and blistered and ugly and painful, and Aaron hastily wiped his tears away. 

"Christ," Robert said softly. "Christ, Aaron, what have you been doing to yourself?"

Aaron turned away. "Nothing," he said, but he couldn't stop the bleeding and that made him a liar. 

~*~

Robert patiently applied gauze and tape to Aaron's feet, checking on his phone to make sure he was doing the right thing, adding antiseptic cream to the worst of the blisters. 

"I think a couple of them might be infected," he said finally, which was revolting and horrible but probably deserved. "How long have you just been leaving them and running on them?"

Aaron shrugged. "None of your business."

"It is my business."

"You're not my boyfriend."

Robert was kneeling at his feet, Aaron's foot in his lap. "Aren't I?" he asked, and Aaron looked away. 

"Nothing in my life's proper," he said finally. "Paddy's not my dad and you're not my boyfriend. Doesn't much matter what I want."

"I want you," Robert said. 

"So much we're doing it in your girlfriend's house."

"Aaron—"

"I should go. My mum will be worrying."

"I want to be there for you."

Aaron's shoulders slumped. He was sick of this. "You could if you wanted. It's not me what's stopping you."

"They're going to give me a job."

Aaron reached for his clean socks, pulling them on over his bandaged feet. "You don't need their job. You could get a job anywhere once you've got your A levels. You're about a hundred times smarter than me."

"God, Aaron."

"I love you," Aaron said. "I know you feel it too. I know it's more than a bit of fun. I know you’ve got feelings for me."

"I'm with Chrissie."

"Be with me instead." Aaron's eyes were wet but he didn't remember starting to cry. "I love you. Be with me."

Robert swallowed. "I can't," he said finally. "I'm not gay."

Aaron managed half a laugh. "Gay enough to suck my cock."

"Aaron, please. We've got a good thing going here. Don't ruin it."

"I'm not ruining anything. Nothing to ruin." He stumbled to his feet. God, his feet hurt. "I'm going to get my stuff and go, all right? Got homework to do."

He sort of thought Robert would come after him, would come upstairs with him and try to make him change his mind, but he didn't. 

He didn't, and in the end Aaron took his stuff and left. 

~*~

"I'll help you with your English if you want," Victoria said later that afternoon. They were sharing a couple of four-packs of cider round the back of the cricket pavilion, her and Adam and Aaron. "I'm doing all right in English. I'll help you."

Aaron huddled down deeper into his coat. It was freezing cold out. "You're all right," he said, cos he might be thick, but he didn't want anyone he was mates with to know just how shit he was at school. 

"Suit yourself," Vic said, curling into Adam's side, "but the offer's there."

He nodded at her, a _thank you_ he couldn't quite manage to articulate, and opened another can. 

~*~

On Monday, he got home from school and went straight out for a run even though it was cold and dark and his mum was doing him his tea. 

He was a couple of miles from the village, somewhere in the woods, when it got too dark to see properly. He didn't see the tree root until it was too late. 

Falling took him by surprise, the bank he fell down even more so. 

He hit his head on something on the way down, and after that, it all went black.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains hospitals and discussion of self harm.

Everything hurt. It was dark and it was cold and he couldn't keep his eyes open long enough to be scared. 

It hurt.

He gave into it in the end, and the blackness enveloped him. 

~*~

"Aaron. Aaron." 

He could hear them. Voices shouting, over and over. He wasn't even shivering any more. It was lighter than it had been. The darkness had gone. 

"Help," he tried, but he couldn't sit up and his head hurt too much to move. "Here."

He closed his eyes, too exhausted to try again. 

"I heard something. Christ, he's down there. Chas, he's here." Robert. 

"God, Aaron. Aaron, love." His mum, dropping down to her knees, hands to his chest. "Aaron, love."

"Robert," he managed, and then he was being covered by something, a coat, maybe, a blanket. 

"I'm here," Robert said, and someone was stroking his hair. "I'm here and everything's going to be okay. Your mum's here too. You're going to be just fine, Aaron. It's going to be fine."

Aaron gave in to the encroaching darkness, and closed his eyes. 

~*~

Hospital was miserable. He'd broken a bone in his ankle, like a total dickhead, got concussion, and ended up with hypothermia too. The nurses had looked after his feet, too. They'd recommended a counsellor. 

Aaron had looked the other way at that. 

"What were you doing?" his mum asked, sitting by his bedside a couple of days later. "What was so bad you ended up hurting yourself again?"

"Leave it, Chas," Paddy said gently. "We can talk about this later."

"We can talk about it now," his mum said. "He almost died. My son almost died. The least we can do is talk about it."

"I'm all right," Aaron told her, even though he wasn't sure that he was. He knew that Robert had come in with him, that Robert had been up and out most of the night with his mum and Paddy and Cain and Adam and Moira, looking for him. He knew it was Robert's coat and jumper he'd been wrapped in before the ambulance had come for him. 

He just hadn't seen hide nor hair of Robert since. 

"You're not all right. You've been having an affair with Robert for a start. What have I told you, hey? What have I told you. That poor cow."

Aaron tilted his chin up so that he didn't have to look at her, so he could look up at the ceiling instead. 

"What do you see in him, huh? He's trouble, Aaron. He's made you do this. He's the one that put you in hospital. Cheating. Messing around behind everyone's back."

"It's not…" Aaron inexplicably felt like crying. His head still hurt from the concussion, his hypothermia the moderate to severe kind that had involved some kind of bladder related treatment he'd rather not think about again. He hurt and he felt stupid and ill and sick and tired and poorly and scared. "He's the one who—who kept me going. He's the one who noticed and wanted me to be okay. He tried to help."

"He didn't tell me. He should have told me."

"Chas," Paddy said. "You're upsetting him. We can talk about this another time."

His mum took a deep breath. "Fine. How about I go and get us all a nice cup of tea from the machine, and we can go back to pretending my son isn't self-harming and almost dying all by himself, how about that?"

"Mum—" 

There wasn't really a door to slam in the middle of the men's general medical ward, but his mum made a pretty good attempt at trying anyway. The curtain swished behind her. 

After a minute, Paddy pulled up a chair and sat down by the side of Aaron's bed. "You had us all scared there, you know. Gone all night, you were."

"I didn't mean to be."

"I know, I know." Paddy smiled at him, a quick jerk of his lips. "Your mum's just scared." He patted his hand over Aaron's. "We're all just glad you're okay."

"I'm fine."

"Apart from the broken ankle, concussion, and hypothermia."

"Apart from that." His head ached and he was sick of hospital. He wanted to go home. Hospital was well loud, the lights kept going on really early, and the nurses didn't do anything quietly when they woke them all up at the arse crack of dawn. Half the men on the ward were old and made weird noises all night, and Aaron was never going to admit that it scared him in the middle of the night. 

"So, you and Robert Sugden, then."

"It's nothing."

"Looked all night for you, he did. He was the one who knew where you might have gone."

Aaron shrugged. 

"Do you like him?" Paddy asked after another minute. 

He didn't like anyone. He nodded anyway. 

"Do you more than like him?"

It still hurt every time Aaron moved his head, but he looked the other way anyway so that he didn't have to see Paddy's face when he nodded again. 

"Do you love him?"

Aaron didn't say anything. 

"Aaron. Do you love him?"

"Doesn't matter, does it? He's not here."

"Oh, Aaron."

His eyes were wet. He scrubbed at them with his fist. "It doesn't matter, all right? It doesn't matter."

Paddy awkwardly covered Aaron's hand with his own. "I love you like you're my own," he said finally. "I don't know whether you ever hear that when I say it. We're going to get you through this. No more hurting, all right? No more."

Aaron didn't nod at that. Sometimes it felt like there was someone inside of him, screaming to be let out. There had to be some way he could punish himself otherwise he didn't know if he could carry on. 

Paddy let go of his hand and busied himself trying to figure out how the telly worked and what he could put on. 

When his mum came back she leaned over and kissed his forehead. "Sorry, love," she said, giving Paddy a cup of tea. "Don't mind me and my big mouth. We'll sort all of this out later."

He didn't say anything. There wasn't anything to say. 

~*~

Later, when the nurse came to check on him, he heard his mum and Paddy talking through the curtain whilst the nurse ran his obs. 

"There isn't anyone in this world who hates Aaron as much as Aaron hates Aaron," Paddy said, and that space inside of Aaron's chest felt cavernous and desperate and empty as he tried to hold himself together. 

He stopped listening after that. 

~*~

Robert turned up fifteen minutes before the end of visiting hours, just after Paddy and Chas had left. He stood at the end of Aaron's bed and didn't say anything. 

"You took your time," Aaron said finally. 

"Sorry," Robert said. 

"Lawrence and Chrissie keeping you busy?"

"Not really," Robert said, and he moved so that he could sit down by the side of Aaron's bed. He looked tired. "Just thinking."

"Lot of time to do stuff like that in hospital."

Robert nodded. "You all right?"

Aaron made a face. "I'm fine."

"When I saw you at the bottom of that bank, I thought you might be dead. For a minute I thought you'd done something. To end it."

Aaron looked up at the ceiling. "No."

"I know. I know you wouldn't. Not again."

Aaron wouldn't. He couldn't do that to his mum, to Paddy.

"I love you," Robert said. 

Aaron didn't say anything. There wasn't anything to say. 

"I can't bear to watch you do this to yourself."

"I fell. It was an accident."

"Yeah. But it was an accident you could have avoided if you weren't hell bent on taking no care of yourself at all."

"Robert—"

"I've been getting your homework from your teachers."

"You've done what?"

"It's important to you. I know it is. You pretend it's not but it is. So I found out what you were supposed to be doing."

"I was out there all night," Aaron said finally. He wanted to cry. His whole body felt like it was rebelling against him and he hated it in here. Everything felt like it was out of his control. It caught in the back of his throat. His eyes were wet. 

"I know," Robert said. He touched his hand to Aaron's. "I'm always going to come after you, you know? I'm always going to find you."

"God." He didn't ask if Robert was going to leave Chrissie, or give up the opportunity of a job with Lawrence after his exams. Robert wanted a future more than anyone Aaron had ever met. Aaron wasn't stupid enough to think that any future that Robert imagined had him in it too. 

"You deserve so much more than hurting yourself."

"Do I?"

Robert looked tired, and young, and like he didn't have a clue what he was doing. The nurses were coming round, signalling the end of visiting hours. Robert nodded as the nurse told him it was time to go. 

He stood up, hovering over the bed like he couldn't make his mind up, then he leaned in and touched his mouth to Aaron's. 

"I love you," he said softly, fingertips to Aaron's face, and all Aaron could do was nod. 

He was gone after that, and Aaron was left trying to figure out what the fuck he was supposed to do now. 

Keep going, he supposed, except he had no fucking clue how to do it. No fucking clue at all.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://magicalrocketships.tumblr.com/)


End file.
